Today is my son's birthday. He would be 8 years old today. It totally amazes me that it has been 8 years already. Alot has happened in those 8 years. I am a different person than I was. Losing him changed me and my life forever. I am not invincible anymore and I always fear the worse. I know now the worse can happen. I can say that I still hurt and feel his loss everyday but it does get easier. I found a letter that I wrote to him a couple months after I had him. When I read it can can feel how raw my pain was then. I know I am not in that place anymore but it still hurts. I am going to share that letter here on my blog. I am not sure why but I feel like I want to share it. Please remember this is really personal. I know my sentences are runons and it may not be grammatically correct. It was just something I wanted to write down. THIS IS A LONG LETTER!
Dear Kasey, August 22,2000
The only thing that comes to mind is that I am so confused right now. It has been 2 months since we lost your precious spirit and it feels like I can't go on with my life without you. Me and Daddy have been facing some real hard realities in like without you. I keep telling myself its not fair me and daddy wanted you so badly. We feel such a horrible loss without you. I wish that I could just hold you and kiss you and tell you that I love you. I wish that motherly bond with you outside of my tummy. I miss feeling all of those punches and kicks to my ribs. I know you were such a special little baby. I think all the time what you would be doing now. Sometimes I wish you were here so I wouldn't have to feel this terrible loss. I keep trying to tell myself that this is god's will that this was supposed to happen for a reason. But I guess I am selfish because I want you so bad. My whole spirit is interrupted. My whole body hurt. I think of your body being out at the cemetery all alone and sometimes I just want to go and stay there with you so you are not alone. I guess that is just the mother in me. I can't hardly sleep I keep going back in my mind to that night when I went to the hospital.
In my mind I think about what I was feeling. I went in thinking I was crazy and I was worrying for nothing. But when the nurse couldn't find your heartbeat I knew. She went and got an ultrasound machine and came back in and tried to find your heartbeat. I remember feeling so scared she kept telling me she was not an expert so she went and got a doctor. The doctor looked and she couldn't find your heartbeat. She showed me where your heart should be beating but she never really said you died. Then like a ton of bricks it hit me. You were gone. My precious baby I wanted so badly was gone. The doctor was not compassionate at all. The nurse was a little. But I really needed somebody else there with me. The nurse handed me the phone so I could call dad. I just remember thinking how could I tell dad that you were gone when I still didn't believe it myself. So I called dad. All I could say was that he better come to the hospital they can't find the heartbeat. I couldn't tell him you died. I was trembling so bad. I felt so sick to my stomach. All I wanted was for someone to be there and help me out of this nightmare. Then I called grandma and grandpa I. I told them the same way I told dad. Then I sat there waiting. Sitting there in total disbelief. My baby has died. This doesn't happen to people like us. I just kept telling myself no no no I must be dreaming. Somebody please wake me up. Then dad came in. I know he was thinking that everything was just misunderstood but I told him you were gone. He just looked like a ton of bricks hit him. He called grandma and grandpa r. then the doctor who delivered you came in to check the ultrasound machine and he confirmed that you had died. Grandma I came in sobbing and we just hugged and cried. We explained the doctor was going to induce labor. I just kept thinking how am I going to deliver a dead baby. I was so scared. I didn't know what you were going to look like. Then grandma and grandpa r. came and we told them what was going on.
So they came in and started my labor. The doctor broke my water and the nurse started my IV. It was the middle of the night and everyone was tired. So people just started finding places to sit and settle down. My whole body was sick the nurse brought me some antinausea medicine that helped with that. Grandma I tried to get ahold of aunt shanda and aunt shelly. She couldn't find shelly but shanda came over. At first I didn't want alot of people there right away. I was having a hard enough time dealing with your death. Then grandma R. called all of your aunts and uncles and told them to wait awhile before they came down. So now we were just waiting. Dad fell asleep and so did shanda. Everyone else was trying to rest but it was hard. I kept seeing all the hurt in everyones eyes and I felt like it was all my fault. I have caused everyone such pain. I just kept praying to god that you would come out alive and take away all of this hurt. It was hard for me to understand everyone else's hurt at first. Why were they so upset when I was the one who had lost my child not them. Then I realized how I would feel in their shoes. You were wanted by everyone not just me and dad. So the loss of your life was felt by everyone. The whole time I was in labor I kept praying that some miracle would happen that you would be born alive. But I knew in my heart it wouldn't happen that I wouldn't hear that 1st scream. I wouldn't be able to feel you breath. All of these things you would never experience came flying through my mind and my poor heart was breaking. Then I thought about Adam. I thought how sad it was that he would never know you like siblings do. I know you would have been a wonderful brother. I know you will watch over him and help him. please watch over him. I think if anything happened to Adam I would just die. He is the string holding me together right now. This whole experience has made me realize how precious children are. And how it is a divine privilege to be blessed with them.
As the night went on the labor got alot harder.the drugs the nurses were giving me were not working. The pain was almost unbearable. I kept thinking I would go through ten times the pain if I could just have my baby. I remember almost bargaining with god. Please don't let this be. Then before I knew it it was time to deliver you. Oh I was so scared. Both grandmas clung to each other in the corner of the room. They were crying. This upset me a little because when Adam was born they were right there beside my bed counting for me and so excited. I almost felt ashamed that I caused them such fear. But dad he was the best support. He helped me more than I could have imagined. I don't think I could put into words how much his love meant to me. Then you were born and they placed you on my tummy. You were so big. Your spirit was very strong. I felt you calm my emotions. Then I was able to see how beautiful you were. You just looked like a sleeping baby. So precious and dear. The love I felt for you was no different then when I had Adam. The feeling was a burst of motherly love. You were so dear to me. You are my child and I love you more than anything else in the world. You were so big. You were 6 lbs 12oz and 19 1/2 inches long. You were almost a pound bigger and an inch and a half longer that Adam when he was born. I just don't understand you were so big and healthy looking. I wish I could understand why you can't be here with us.
Everyone had their chance to hold you. Then Grandma r. and the nurse took you to the nursery to get a bath and some pictures taken. After that everyone went home. Aunt Shelly and uncle Kenny were there when grandma brought you back into us and they finally got to meet you. Then it was time for the funeral home to come and get you. Me and dad had to say our goodbyes. I felt so hopeless like I had no control over what was happening. I wanted to keep you and never let you go. But I knew I had to. So I clung onto you one last time. I hugged you and kissed you one last time and then I told you goodbye. When I handed you away I literally felt my heart break into a million pieces. My whole body felt like it fell right apart. I almost felt a panic. I had this feeling like someone was taking my baby away from me. But I knew I had to let it happen. I just took one last look at you and tried to remember every little detail of your body so I wouldn't forget what you looked like. Then you were gone. My baby was gone. I will never be able to put into words what I was feeling.I don't think there is a strong enough word for the hurt I was feeling.
After you were taken away the nurse came in and got me ready to move me to a new room. While we were getting ready everyone else went home. Then me and dad were alone. We just felt so empty. Dad decided to go home and sleep for awhile and give me a chance to sleep too. After he left I sat there wondering what just happened. What could I have done different. But I had a strong feeling come over me that made me feel comforted and I knew it was something that was out of my hands and I couldn't have changed anything. As hard as the reality was I knew I could get through it. I also knew it is not going to be easy.
I finally fell asleep for awhile. My body was so exhausted both physically and emotionally. When I woke up I realized I was alone again. I kept wondering if this feeling of loneliness would ever go away. Later I realizes it wasn't a loneliness that I was feeling it was an emptiness. I figure that will heal in time. Throughout the evening I had several visitors. My cousins come to see me. I sensed they were uncomfortable but I could feel their love for me which helped a great deal. I knew people were going to feel uncomfortable and that was okay to me. Then greatgrandma R. and aunt Arlene came and Arlene said to me "Jim will look after Kasey" That was the first time I realized that you were not alone. That your spirit had alot of family there with you. That there is alot more love there. This put my mind to ease. Dad stayed with me overnight at the hospital. I kept watching him sleep wondering how all of this was effecting him. I hoped that he didn't blame me. I also worried how this would effect him in the long run. Would this make him a stronger person or would it tear him down. Only time can tell what will happen. I think he will be fine. He is a strong person. He is never afraid to show his love which I am very grateful for. If I didn't feel his love the way I do I know I wouldn't be able to deal with all of this pain.
We made it through the night and the doctor told me I could go home when I wanted so I decided the sooner the better. So I took a bath and got dressed and ready to go. When I was done I walked back into the room and one of my doctors nurses was in there. She was a great deal of comfort to me. She had been through the same thing too. Finally someone who knew what I was going through. She told me her story and we cried and hugged. It was a good experience for me. It helped me alot to talk to someone who knew what I was going through. She assured me that time would heal all wounds. That the pain would get easier. She said it wouldn't go away but it would get easier.
So it was time to leave and the nurse wanted me to get into the wheelchair and I didn't want to sit in it. I wanted to take my hospital tag off and just walk out. As we went down the hall I thought I would die. I thought everyone was staring at me like I had a great big sign that said my baby just died. I just looked at the ground the whole way out. Feeling like I was going to burst into tears at any second. I couldn't believe I was leaving the hospital without you. I had imagined for months how I would bring you home for the first time. I had a special outfit just to bring you home.
I finally got to my car. Before I could even get the door shut I had burst into tears. I cried the whole way home. I cried all day. I cried for days and days.
Love,
Mom
So I know that was long and if you made it through I applaud you. That was a very very hard time in my life. I have grown alot in the last 8 years but the pain is still there. I still cry but few and far between. Sometimes I amaze myself thinking I have actually lived through something so life changing. I can't say I am glad to have gone through that but I do believe I have learned thing I would have never learned if I hadn't experienced it.
Thanks for listening!
